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Texas Chainsaw
IMDB Rating: 4.8/10 from R votes
Release: 04 Jan 2013 /

Texas Chainsaw

Genre: Horror, Thriller
Director: John Luessenhop,
Stars: , , ,
Synopsis: A young woman travels to Texas to collect an inheritance; little does she know that an encounter with a chainsaw-wielding killer is part of the reward.

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Critic Reviews

This movie is terrible. Honestly, can you be surprised? It's a movie that's been remade and rebooted a hundred times, who can expect the new "sequel" released the first week of January to be good? I mean I saw this movie on Netflix smashed out of my skull and honestly I just wanted to see some cool kills, fun campiness, a little tittage, and maybe, just maybe, passable acting and a decent story to hold it together. I got none of those with Texas Chainsaw 3D. Not a one.

Boobs are teased all throughout the movie but it's all tease and no show. That's a weird way to start the review but I mean why in the hell would you put a ton of clear ass shots whenever these girls are walking around and not throw in a couple nip slips? Ugh, whatever.

I really can't go down the checklist because everything about this movie is awful. Every single goddamn thing. I won't spoil anything but they butcher Leatherface in this movie, even more than they did in other remakes. But this is actually a "sequel" which makes it even more f*cking stupid. They show footage of the original film at the beginning as if to give a recap of its "predecessor" and you start off like "okay they're doing something different at least" but within the first ten minutes it gets so unbelievably dumb. It's an achievement how dumb this movie is, really. Even Leatherface deserves better than this.

I'll sum up the plot as quickly as possible: The pretty eyed slut from True Detective (Alexandra Daddario) inherits a house from her grandmother who was there during the massacre of Leatherface's family 20 years ago or something, because pretty eyes was the baby that survived the massacre, which makes her Leatherface's cousin. But Leatherface survived the massacre too and doesn't know this girl even exists. So she and her friends decide to go to the house but of course Leatherface is still there up to his usual shenanigans, and the body count ensues. But in a peculiar turn of events, on the way to the house they pick up a hitchhiker that looks like an Abercrombie & Fitch model (a clear homage to the first film) and when they get to the house, the hot chick and her dumb friends realize they forgot something or for some stupid reason they have to leave. So this idiot girl who was blessed with this gorgeous million dollar mansion from out of nowhere, lets the hitchhiker HOUSESIT after knowing the guy for a whole FIVE F*CKING MINUTES. I can't stress enough how dumb this movie is.

So then I started watching Texas Chainsaw as a comedy, and I gotta admit, I got a few good belly laughs. The acting is hysterical, the dialogue is even more ridiculous, the 3D attempts are hilariously awful - almost every scene in this movie is comedy gold. I would give it a high score as a spoof but this movie clearly is trying to be serious, which makes it all the more sad (and funny... but sad). The lead actress is blatantly just there as eye candy. She can't act worth sh*t. And guess what. She's the best actor in the movie!

Maybe it's just because I watched this after The Babadook, I don't know, but I really really hated this movie. The writing is some of the worst I've ever seen in a movie. I guess it holds some merit as a "horror" comedy, assuming you can get past the fact that there are no scares, no boobs, no worthwhile gore, no good kills, no good actors, no suspense, no {insert anything else required for a good horror movie}.

In conclusion, Texas Chainsaw 3D sucks balls. It's just a disgrace to horror films and is the epitome of everything wrong with the genre today. It's an abysmal, horrific, blasphemous, piece of sh*t, Hollywood fartpile of a movie. F*ck you Texas Chainsaw. F*ck you with a chainsaw right up the ass.

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