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Black Ice
IMDB Rating: 3.6/10 from 30 votes
Release: 24 February 2009 (USA) /

Black Ice

Genre: Fantasy, Horror, Romance
Director: Brian Hirschbine,
Stars: , , , , , , ,
Synopsis: A Story of Fantasy, Sex, and Murder. Evelyn, a young woman beginning her journey into the world of woman-hood and relationships finds out...that the first time is never what you expect it to be. Confused and misguided in her relationships, by her close friend Chris, Evelyn finds herself sinking deeper into her fantasy and neglecting the rules of reality...and as a result the bodies start adding up! Written by SRS Cinema LLC

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Critic Reviews

For starters, the production lets us know that BLACK ICE comes to you from the Abortion Bin. That statement says a lot more than the filmmakers likely intended.

The credits make sure we know the film was "written by and screenplay by Brian Hirschbine." Glad he clarified, because I never realized that the Guy Who Wrote the Movie and the Guy Who Wrote the Movie were two different people.

BLACK ICE is the profound odyssey of a repressed virgin-turned-psychotic nymph/sex murderer. Quite original! Never seen that issue explored before! This film was made by basically four people total. In fact, the movie would make a great drinking game: just take a shot each time you see a name repeated in the closing credits (or better yet, get drunk before the film, you'll enjoy it more).

Produced on an admitted budget of $1,600, the camera used here looks to have been purchased at an auction for natural fertilizer. I would say that the acting, dialogue, lighting, makeup effects, sound, and cinematography are the worst you'll ever see/hear, but this film would have to actually HAVE some semblance of those components before I could say such a thing.

No color correction whatsoever; the "coloring" effect used throughout the film (obviously something the director thought was "moody") is a major eyesore and makes it difficult to understand what's going on (giving the script a run for its money in the "what the hell is going on" department). The weird color also taints the few decent exterior location shots in the film.

Lead actress J.C. Howe is a rotund young lady whose long hair hangs below her ample ass. She's got nice, large natural breasts, and somebody obviously promised her lots of percentage points (in what is sure to be the film's astronomical gross) to shed her clothes so pervasively. Maybe if Sub Rosa pays up on time, she'll get maybe a nickel to cover each nipple (but then again, the U.S. mint would need to issue over-sized coins with those Jupiter-sized aureoles she's got). Despite her abundant nude scenes, the best shot of her breasts is in a deleted shower scene.

The film opens with her menstruating, replete with blood shown coming out. We also have an early scene where a dude sits naked on a commode, and is THEN interrupted by a fat dude in a towel. Not long after, we get a 7 minute long sex scene involving a dude wearing a goat skull. Scenes that drag on forever (sex and otherwise) cause a film that should be just a bad short film to end up nearly TWO HOURS long.

In an early scene, the girl remarks to her teddy bear that he's the only one who understands her. Given the surefire audience reaction to this incomprehensible film, that was a truly prophetic line by the writer! (oops, sorry Brian, I meant to say writer/screenwriter).

And we can't forget to cover the film's prevailing obtrusion: it gets in your face with gory, borderline pornographic, necrophilic sex. The director obviously woke up one day and vowed to make a film as gross and disgusting as possible. Only problem is, his lack of talent and film-making savvy caused him to not realize that the scenes in question (like the entire film) are far too cheesy and cheaply staged to be as provocative or shocking as he wants them to be.

The extras are far more entertaining than the film. When the writer/director is interviewed, the caption actually poses the question "what was it like making your crappy film?", to which the director replies, "absolute hell". Well damn Brian, think about how the people watching your crappy film feel! At some points he correlates BLACK ICE to real-life experiences with sexuality and insecurity, and he also states very confidently that the $1,600 used to finance this film was money "used wisely". He delivers all the above statements with a hilariously straight face.

The blooper reel bears the caption "The Worst Takes of Black Ice". When I saw that, I said "oh crap, does that mean they're gonna show the whole damn movie again?"

Ultimately, BLACK ICE is a good title for this film. Much like a tragic road accident caused by black ice, the script for BLACK ICE looks like it was filmed after someone who overdosed on hot Mexican food had a "tragic accident" all over some blank script pages.

This film was not even a real film, just an exercise in cheesy, wannabe nihilistic necrophilia. But I won't call the filmmaker a loser. Nope. The word "loser" is reserved for us. Those of us who rented this. And Brian, thank whomever you call God for inventing insomnia, because it's the only reason you got such a well-detailed review tonight.

RATING: 1 out of 10 (only because IMDb won't allow negative integers)

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